Ladies Home journal - The Single Moms New Secret Weapon

By Daryl Chen

The Single Moms New Secret Weapon

Strapped for cash, desperate for child-care solutions, and hungry for emotional support, solo moms are signing up for an innovative service that is creating a new kind of American family.

"Well, Im just going to make him my brother!" insisted 4-year-old Reagan after her mother explained that she and Dorian were not related. Dorian, 7, and his mom Sheila Hays are housemates with Alison Sherrill and Reagan

Alison Sherrill cant remember exactly what her 4-year-old daughter Reagan was doing that day to provoke her leaving blobs of Play-Doh all over the living room rug? Pouring herself a glass of water and missing the glass completely? Whatever it was, it was pushing the Atlanta single moms buttons. "I was done. I was finished. I was about to have a meltdown, " says Sherrill, 33. Fortunately, Sheila Hays, 41 a fellow single mom and a pro at spotting kid-induced exasperation was nearby, picked up on the cue and invited Reagan to help her in the garden." It was so nice, "recalls Sherrill. "I was able to lie on the couch and read my book for 15 minutes. I was like, Oh, Lord, thank you. Thats the main thing you need most as a single parent. Sometimes, you just need a break. "Sherrill and Hays are more than just good single-mom friends happy to give each other a break. They are housemates, and as such are among an increasing number of divorced, separated and never-married moms who are saving money, time and a big chunk of their sanity by moving in together. Many of them are meeting through CoAbode.org, a successful online roommate-matching service designed for single moms. It couldnt have come at a better time with 10 million single mothers living with kids under the age of 18 (nearly triple the amount in 1970), nearly one-third of whom live below the poverty level (versus 9 percent of all families).

CoAbode provides modern-day single moms with the kind of support and structure that socially at-risk groups, unmarried mothers, immigrants and the elderly have had throughout American history. Indeed, sharing living quarters with non-family members has long been a way for struggling families to save money and create a greater sense of community, says Deborah Skok, Ph.D., assistant professor of history at Hendrix College, in Conway, Arkansas. The need today may even be greater than before. After the Welfare Reform Act of 1996 mandated that the benefits of recipients many of whom are single mothers be cut off after five years, growing numbers of people are seeking out alternative living situations, says Dr. Skok.

I thought, I don't want to do this alone, says Carmel Sullivan of raising her son, Cooper Soon after, CoAbode was born

Finding an alternative living situation was the last thing on Carmel Sullivans mind in 2000, the year her divorce was final and she decided to move from Boulder, Colorado, to Los Angeles with her son, Cooper, then 8. Even though she had two sisters living in Los Angeles, she felt profoundly lonely and extremely overwhelmed. Explains the mom and former painter, "Once you're divorced and on your own, youre wearing every hat. You're the disciplinarian, the nurse, the cook, the shopper, the carpooler. And when its 10 p.m. and your kid is in bed, and suddenly you realize you've got no milk for the morning, youre stuck."
Then it occurred to her that getting a roommate, preferably a single mom with a child her sons age, would solve many of her problems. Not only could a roommate provide logistical and emotional support, she thought, but that woman's child could be "a playmate for Cooper, someone to get him off the computer and the TV."
She started looking for a home large enough for two families and settled on a three-bedroom house in West Los Angeles. She then placed a roommate listing with a local agency. Within a week, she received 18 responses from local single moms. After speaking with each of them, she chose Susan Baden, because the fellow artist had two sons close in age to Cooper. Plus, Sullivan says she and Baden had similar tastes and sizes in clothing and CDs, both of which they shared like sisters.
Still, Sullivan couldn't get the 17 other applicants out of her mind. She kept looking over the list and started to notice how many had similar interests and needs. Perhaps, she wondered, they would be compatible with each other and would appreciate an introduction. When she phoned a few of them and heard their enthusiastic responses, she had an epiphany:" I thought, Oh my God, I've tapped into a real need here."
Sullivan drew up a business plan, commissioned a designer to create a Web site, and in 2001, launched CoAbode.org. Running the nonprofit organization has become Sullivans full-time job; the site, which survives mostly on private donations, now has close to 9,000 registered members. More than 350 women have paired up in almost every state.

Sherrill and Hays, of Atlanta, are among the most successful pairs to find each other through CoAbode. In the summer of 2002, Hays, a hairdresser who had been divorced for four years, needed help with the mortgage payments on her four-bedroom home and companionship for her son, Dorian, 7. She read about CoAbode in a magazine and signed up. After entering her zip code, she saw that six single moms in her area were looking for housemates. Sherrill's profile seemed the most compatible. Both mothers are outgoing and athletic. Hays swims, cycles, runs and in-line skates; Sherrill is a Montessori teacher whos also a runner and spinning instructor.
Over the next three months, the two got to know each other by chatting on the phone and meeting for meals. Through their many conversations, they learned that their parenting styles were in sync. They both were trying to raise independent, loving and respectful children and believed in discipline in the form of time-outs and taking away privileges, or talking through problems. They hammered out potential sticking points, such as the issue of Sherrill's boyfriend (Sherrill supported Hayss strong feelings about not letting him, or any other men, sleep over) and TV watching. Sherrill didnt want her daughter, Reagan, to watch TV on weekdays, so Hays agreed that she and Dorian would only watch on her bedroom set on those days. Hays calculated a monthly rent for Sherrill that included electricity, water and cable TV and asked her to put down a deposit to cover potential damages.
During this three-month "courtship, "the women brought their children together a few times to see if they clicked. They did. This was no surprise to Hays; for as long as she could remember, Dorian had asked when he was getting a sibling. When she introduced him to Reagan and explained that she and her mom might move in with them, the boy was thrilled. Hays laughs,"He kept saying, When are they coming, Mommy? I cant wait, I cant wait!"
In October 2002, the four of them made it official. Now the makeshift family eats breakfast together every morning. A few nights a week after the kids are put to bed, Hays and Sherrill hang out in the den and chat or watch TV; as often, they go to their separate rooms and relax. Occasionally, one of them goes out with friends, leaving the other mom in charge of the sleeping kids. (Both kids spend weekends with their fathers, who are supportive of their ex-wives living arrangements.)
Despite age and gender differences, Dorian and Reagan have bonded.
"They are very sibling-like," says Sherrill. "One minute they love each other. The next, they cant stand each other. "The two have plenty of moments of screaming "Hes in my room!" and "Shes touching my stuff." But after the families spend time apart on vacation, the kids run to hug each other when reunited. Sherrill thinks that some friction is good for the kids. "Reagan gets to deal with the issues that children who have siblings do, like sharing toys and attention, "she says, which is great practice for life."

I'm living with a really great girlfriend after being alone, says Lili Feldman (on the floor with her daughter Sofia) of housemate Cynthia Muldrow and her daughter, Zora

Cynthia Muldrow, 45, and Lili Feldman, 47, would no doubt share that opinion. Muldrow, a lawyer, and Feldman, a therapist and artist, also met through CoAbode. Feldman and her daughter, Sofia, 7, moved into the three-story Brooklyn home Muldrow shares with her 11-year-old daughter, Zora, last summer. The two families have a bit more privacy than the average CoAbode pairing. Feldman and Sofia occupy the houses third floor, which consists of two bedrooms, a bathroom and a kitchen/living room, and Muldrow and Zora live on the second floor. The first floor which has a living room and a kitchen and is considered Muldrow and Zoras area is often used as a communal space where the mothers hang out and drink coffee in the mornings and the families watch movies or TV in the evenings. Several times a month, the families have dinner together. But theres a casual mingling with kids, grownups (and dog Nikki) clattering between floors and rooms, calling each others names, laughing and talking. (Both daughters spend half their weekends with their fathers.
Like the Atlanta women, Muldrow and Feldman had pre-cohabitation
powwows on how to make their living arrangement work, such as how to
combine their furniture, when to share meals, and where the kids
should do their homework. But as move-in day approached, Feldman
realized that implementing their plans was harder than she anticipated. "I thought, Whoa, Im not sure how much I can do right now. Its a big deal moving into someone elses house without worrying about the details. "The families kept their possessions and routines separate at first, creating distance that Muldrow, recently separated from her husband, and Zora especially needed. Today, Feldmans furniture remains in her suite of rooms, and Muldrows is in hers. The girls do their schoolwork in their own rooms.

One process that both moms have observed with interest is their
daughters evolving relationship. While Zora has an older half brother who lived with her parents most summers while they were together, Sofia has always been the only child. When the Feldman's moved in, Muldrow says, "Sofias expectation was that shed have a playmate whenever she was ready. Zora was initially annoyed by Sofias neediness until her mom explained the younger girls perspective. Now, Muldrow says, "I hear Zora tell her, Im going to make time after my homework to play with you."
Although the womens families and exes are now accepting of the women's arrangement, they expressed doubt and confusion at first, a fact the moms found surprising. Feldman says, "Cynthia and I joke, You can meet someone on a bus and fall in love after two weeks, and everyone thinks its great. But you meet someone like this, and people just dont know how to understand it."
Still, Muldrow and Feldman consider their living situation temporary; they both assume they will eventually remarry or move into separate homes one day. Similarly, from the day that Sara Brown* and her son, Sam*, moved into the Centreville, Virginia, townhouse owned by Erin Andrews* and her son, Aaron*, Brown made it clear that the cohabitation would not be a long-term commitment. "We planned to be here for a couple of years at the most, "says Brown, who moved in October 2002. What neither woman counted on was how close they would become.
Ever since they became housemates, Andrews, 37, and Brown, 28, have relied on each other frequently to baby-sit for their sons (both are 6) when one of them has to work late (Andrews is a college administrator; Brown is a former software executive), run errands, or go out, but also for so much more. For one thing, theres the instant empathy for their everyday struggles. "When youre a single mom and you talk about it with people who arent, they feel bad for you and it makes them feel awkward, "explains Brown. "Its more comfortable talking with other single moms. Theyre not trying to fix it, and theyre not pitying you. Theyll understand and share their own stories."
Last spring, Browns boyfriend, Luke*, proposed to her. While she gladly accepted, she says, "I was comfortable living with Erin. I wasnt really ready to change that. "When Brown gave Andrews the news, Brown asked her, "What would you think if we all lived together? Andrews embraced the idea; she needed Browns rent money to help make her mortgage payments. Plus, she says, "We were all getting along so well!"
The townhouse continues to be a happy, if crowded, home. And as of November, they have yet another member to add to their unconventional family: Luke and Brown now have a baby boy. Andrews is as excited as the parents: "Its an incredible opportunity for my son because hes going to experience having a newborn around, she says.
But the new baby means that Brown and her family plan to move out of Andrewss house and into their own home. Andrews says she will use CoAbode again after they leave. Even so, Brown, Luke and Sam have already invited Aaron to sleep over on the first night in their new place, and the women have vowed to maintain the close bond between them and their sons. "Having another mom who knows me, knows my child, cares about him, and respects me, has enriched my life so much, "says Brown. I'll never forget what CoAbode has done for me and my son. Words like these warm CoAbode founder Carmel Sullivans heart and make her hard work so rewarding. Yet, she is modest about its success. "This is an idea whose time has come, and Im just the vehicle, she says. Her next project? Finding a new roommate of her own. Carmels housemate and her sons moved back to their native Australia. Both families remain fast friends.

USA Today - Single moms double up to establish new lives

By Patty Rhule

Joining households eases the load -- and loneliness
Special for USA TODAY

Audrey was a single mother of two young girls moving to Southern California to pursue her career as a screenwriter. She targeted a specific neighborhood for its schools but felt priced out of the area.

I thought the best way I could maintain the lifestyle I had for myself and my children was to team up with someone in the same boat, says Arkins, 38, whose income as a writer of independent films is erratic. She placed an ad in trade papers but got no response. Then she tried CoAbode.org, a Web site that acts as matchmaker for single mothers seeking other moms as housemates.

After completing an exhaustive questionnaire -- questions range from What are your religious beliefs? and How much do you drink? to How does your child express anger? -- she posted her profile and waited. After a few months, she saw Natalie Johnsons application and knew immediately she was the one.

Everything about the woman . . . appealed to me: her age, her educational background, her philosophy about parenting and lifestyle, Arkins says. I'm a writer, she's also a writer. She had just rented a big house in the school district that Arkins wanted her kids to attend.

Last November, Arkins moved into the four-bedroom apartment Johnson rented with her 12-year-old son, Davis. Although there have been adjustments to be made -- mostly for the children -- both women seem happy to be sharing a home.

As a single mom doing it all on my own, I felt desperate, Johnson says. There was never enough money. I didn't feel like I could buy my son an ice cream. Now I feel like I have support. I don't feel I have to go find a relationship quickly or build a family. When you take away the family and double your expenses . . . its so daunting, it definitely wears on the child.

Long after the Friends years, adults have sought non-romantic housemates to help pay the bills, do the chores and provide companionship. Now, single mothers are coming together to bridge the parenting, child care and chores gap, improve their standard of living and connect with someone who is going through a similar struggle.

Companionship has long been touted as a tonic to health and well-being. The women who have combined their children and their lives after divorce say they have found comfort in their common bond.

For a long time, every night wed sit outside on the deck and laugh about how horrible our lives have been, says Heather Montgomery, 28, of Deerfield Beach, Fla., who also met housemate Carrie Westergren, 34, through CoAbode.org. It really is a big stress reliever, and you can vent that, talk about it and laugh about it.

Carmel Sullivan was a recently divorced painter and mother moving from Colorado to California in early 2001. She placed an ad for a single-mom roommate and got 18 responses. She liked them all, so she tried to connect the women who didn't become her roommate with the others. They were so incredibly grateful, she says.

Sullivan figured there were more women in her situation who wanted to share living space with another mother, and in April 2001, CoAbode.org was born. At the end of last year, it went nationwide, and matches have been made in Detroit, Boston and Chicago as well as Southern California. About 1,500 women are members.

Sullivan figured finances were the key factor in prompting single parents to pair up households, but the isolation and loneliness is a lot bigger problem. She added Circle of Friends, a chat site and resource center on CoAbode that helps women converse about their lives.

Montgomery confesses she and Westergren didn't even fill out the questionnaire. (We were so shocked. When we met in the park, we showed up wearing the same outfit, Keds tennis shoes. Im an instinctual person anyway.) But others say the pointed questions helped to make the decision about a roommate clear-cut.

It took almost a day and required me to be very revealing about myself, Arkins says. My roommate was very honest in hers, and I was honest in mine. I would recommend this questionnaire to people taking personal relationships to the next level.

Sullivan talked to other moms sharing homes when designing her questionnaire.

Hot-button topics she found were discipline, religion, politics -- the things you're not supposed to talk about. Other key issues in the questionnaire:

* Eating and health styles. Meat-eaters vs. vegans, couch potatoes vs. fitness fans.

* Discipline styles, child-care needs and bedtimes for children.

* TV and musical tastes as well as d飯r.

* Phone use. Most women chose to avoid conflict and get separate lines.

* Housekeeping. Do you leave your dishes in the sink all day?

* Dating, overnight guests and bringing romantic partners home.

Memo to Friends expectant mother Rachel: Real single moms don't recommend rooming with a singleton.

I would never consider sharing with a single person, for their sake as much as mine, Audrey says. You have to have different priorities if you're parenting a child alone. I wouldn't expect a single person to put up with my kids.

Adds Jessaca Sanchez, 19, a nursing student and the mother of 2-year-old C.J.: I love my girlfriends . . . but its better to have another parent. They understand if youve been up all night with an ear infection, and they just walked in at 3.

Sanchez was living with her mother in Novi, Mich., but wanted to be closer to school and her sons babysitter. She had filled out CoAbodes questionnaire but abandoned the idea until one day when she was talking with her dean at the University of Detroit Mercy and another dean, Sue Yowell, approached to ask, Are you Jessaca Sanchez?

Turned out that Yowell, a single mother of boys ages 7 and 8, had seen Sanchezs application on CoAbode and sent her an e-mail, which Sanchez hadnt seen. Frequently on call for work, she often had to haul her boys out of bed to return to the university. Three weeks after they met, Sanchez moved into the home Yowell had rented just seven miles from campus.

About the only conflict Sanchez can name has been a difference over housekeeping; she says she is anal about a clean house, and Yowell is less so. Yowells boys have accepted Sanchezs my way or the highway approach to discipline, and she encourages them to help her keep C.J. in line. She tells them, This is your house; if you dont want him doing something, you need to teach him. Not disciplining him is not helping him. If hes in the Legos, you remove him from the Legos.

Yowell loves it that her boys dont have to go to before- and after-care at school every day, and shes saving about $300 a month. Her sons are adopted; Ive only been a mom for 3 years, so were both new moms. We talk as moms, and its neat for my kids to have someone else there.

For Johnson and Audrey, the biggest adjustments have been for the children, especially Johnsons son, Davis. When he first met Audrey daughters, who are 6 and 8, the children played hide-and-eek for hours. But at age 12, he has gone from being an only child to living in a house with two young girls and another parent.

There has been quite a bit of difficulty, says Audrey, who adds that they are through the toughest times. But I dont think thats unusual. I dont think that difficulty wouldnt be there in any other (new family) situation.

Davis was just missing us being alone, says Johnson.

Even for well-suited adults, co-housing is an adjustment. You concede your privacy, and you concede your space, Audrey says. I would recommend this for single mothers who feel isolated and overwhelmed, but they have to know that they are taking on obligations they need to fulfill.

Both womens exes have checked out the situation and feel a little more secure knowing theres a second level-headed parent around to support their child, Audrey says.

As to dating, We talked about boyfriends in very great detail, Audrey says. Would that entail a boyfriend around the house? We made clear that we wouldnt be agreeable to that. We stress the importance of keeping our personal relationships outside the home.

Audrey says she and Johnson both probably would like to own their own homes one day, and if either woman finds another mate, the roommates are prepared. They even credit their commitment with saving them from rushing into new relationships.

If you get into another relationship so you can have support in all areas . . . anytime youre doing something from desperation you stand a good chance of getting in a bad situation, Johnson says.

Says CoAbode founder Sullivan: Im hoping these women go on and find another husband. But there are women out there who feel theyre through. I would hope (a CoAbode matchup) was just a step to getting your feet back on the ground.

Time Magazine - Single Moms Unite

By JEFF ZASLOW

It may not take a village, but some single parents are finding its easier to raise their children when they share a home.

Monday, Apr. 15, 2002 - In Deerfield Beach, Fla., there are two little boys who assume they are brothers. Stephen Montgomery is 3 years old, and Ryan Westergren is almost 3. From the minute they wake up, they are playing, tussling and tag teaming their way through the day. "They call each other brother," says Stephens mom Heather. "We had to explain to them, Youre not brothers. Youre buddies." The bond between the boys was conceived on the Internet last November, when their moms, Heather Montgomery and Kerrie Westergren, visited a new website devoted to matching up single mothers to share homes.
CoAbode invites single moms to share expenses, child rearing and their lives, and 3,000 of them have already posted their profiles on the site, looking for housemates. Other single-parenting websites also help parents network and build extended "families." Its all reminiscent of Kate & Allie, the 1980s sitcom about two single moms combining households. Only now Kate and Allie are more likely to have met online.

"A lot of single moms are stuck home at night, and theyre finding a community online," says Patrice Karst, a single mother who has shared homes with other moms and is the author of The Single Mothers Survival Guide. "All through history, women took care of children together. As a culture, we need to stop worshiping privacy and realize were tribal by nature."

There are more than 8.8 million single mothers in the U.S., up 26% since 1990, and 2.6 million single fathers, a 62% increase. The U.S. Census Bureau does not track single-parent home sharing, but parenting groups and housing specialists point to a surge in communal living. The tight economy is a key reason. But theres also a sense that parents are rethinking what constitutes a thriving family.

"Theres been a stigma that if youre a single mom and youre not living by yourself with your kids, then youre not independent," says Russell Mawby, a housing facilitator for the city of Saskatoon, Sask., whose job includes helping low-income residents find home-sharing opportunities. By sharing baby-sitting expenses, cooking duties and more, "youre at a huge advantage," he says. "Thats how you get your independence, by having a support system."

Kim Sever, 31, was raised by a single mother, and her grandparents were nearby for help. But now Sever is a single mom herself, and she doesnt have a support system. Her mother works full time and is often unavailable to lend a hand with Severs son Casey, 7. "I knew I had to create a network for myself," Sever says. So in August 2000 she bought a two-family home in Highland Park, N.J., and searched for another single mom to live in the upstairs unit. At a local grocery store, she saw a house-hunting notice posted by Karen Van Blarcum, 35, who also has a 7-year-old son, Morgan. The match was made.

Van Blarcum says people tell her that her son will someday resent not growing up in a nuclear family, but she values their current living arrangement. All day, the boys dash between floors, playing and eating together in whichever kitchen offers the best meal. Both mothers provide discipline, direction and love.

Like many moms who cruise the Internet for housemates, Natalie Johnson, 41, proceeded carefully. She and her son Davis, 12, were living in a condo, but she could not handle the expenses. Last fall a friend suggested CoAbode, which charges $29.95 for six months of unlimited e-mail contact with other single mothers. Johnson, a poetry teacher, met with five mothers and their kids. She felt the strongest bond with Audrey Ellis, 38, a screenwriter with two daughters, 6 and 8. Before deciding to live together in a Los Angeles town house Johnson had rented, they spent hours discussing CoAbodes questionnaire, which solicited their views on ex-spouses, God, drugs, nutrition, parenting philosophies, boyfriend sleepovers and dishes in the sink. They agreed to alternate weeks for cooking and shopping, to be discreet about boyfriends, to come to a consensus on setting boundaries for the kids and to splurge for a housekeeper once a week.

Though the kids liked each other at first, the honeymoon was soon over, says Johnson. "My son started torturing the girls, and they annoyed him beyond belief." Concerned about the friction, Ellis ex-husband, who has joint custody of his daughters, flew in from Oregon to reassure himself that the living arrangement was O.K. The kids rallied and got along while he was there. The ex thought Johnsons organic cooking was great for his daughters, and he returned to Oregon satisfied. The kids have now settled into sibling mode, and the moms are close. "I try harder for Audrey than I ever tried for any guy," says Johnson, explaining that she talks to Ellis more respectfully and is more apt to compromise. And, she adds, they no longer feel like damsels in distress, waiting to be rescued by men:

"Our lives are really good. A year and a half ago, I felt desperate to form a new family. Now any man who comes into my life will have to be a really great addition."

In Dearborn, Mich., Jessaca Sanchez, 19, a college student with a 22-month-old son, shares a home rented by Sue Yowell, 47, the dean of student affairs at the University of Detroit Mercy, and her two sons, 7 and 8. Despite the womens age difference, they feel connected by single motherhood. "We talk about how the world is not geared for single parents," says Sanchez, "and we both say its up to us to raise a good generation of men." The women split housework evenly, and Yowell picks up a larger share of household expenses. For Yowell, the benefits are beyond economics. She sometimes gets called back to campus for late-night emergencies. Before sharing a home with Sanchez, she says, "my kids would have to come with me. Its a relief to be able to leave them with Jessaca."

Some moms are moving in together in even larger groups. In Anaheim, Calif., four moms, ages 26 to 49, share a four-bedroom house. They have seven kids among them. One of the moms, Yolanda Torres, 26, says a small apartment would cost her about $900. "Here, the other women give me emotional support, the kids play together, theres a pool, and my rent is just $550."

Some single dads are also seeking housemates. Curtis Batiste, 45, is using RoommateAccess.com to find a family or single mom in the Chicago area who would welcome him and his daughter, 7. "Id like my daughter to be in an environment where she could relate to a woman," says Batiste, who is sifting through 114 potential matches.

There are risks, of course, to home sharing. Kristen Lam, 29, says she and her son, 5, spent almost a year sharing a home with an acquaintance "who pawned her child off on me. Shed sneak out in the middle of the night." Still Lam remained committed to the housemate concept because it made sense financially and she felt her son needed a playmate. She interviewed 10 prospects, but no one seemed right. Then Lam met Laura Fettig, 32, and her daughter Erika, 5, at a McDonalds last summer. Fettig, too, had been considering going online to look for a roommate. They hit it off and moved in together in Redondo Beach, Calif.

As the single-parent population grows, such arrangements may become more common. Helena Tuma, 33, and her daughter, 3, share an apartment near Los Angeles with Anne Barber, 28, and her son, 5. They recently looked into renting a house together--they plan to sign a one-year lease--and a real estate agent assumed they were a lesbian couple. They are not, but Tuma says their platonic friendship has advantages over married life. "Its like having a marriage," explains Tuma, "without all the ties and the yucky stuff."

Inside Edition - Headline Story - Single Moms

By

We all know that the American family has changed drastically from the traditional model of mom, dad, and two kids. And with the growing number of single parent families, there is a new approach some are taking to combine families. Single moms are teaming up under one roof, just to lighten the load. INSIDE EDITION has the story.

For more information on single moms teaming up, go to www.CoAbode.org.

This looks just like a regular family at the dinner table, mom, kids and another Mom! In fact, this is nothing like a regular family.

Star Oakland, her nine year old son Zumbi and her ten year old daughter Carmell, joined forces with Kandi Lighter and her three year old daughter, Kaia, to create a new family that's part Brady bunch, part Kate and Allie.

Don't get the wrong idea. These moms have teamed up under the same roof just to lighten the load. They share expenses and parenting duties and being one big family sure takes the sting out of being alone.

Kandi: We cry together, we laugh together. We help one another in every way.
While this is new for Kandi who is still recovering from a traumatic divorce, Star has lived with four other women and their children.

Star: It's very natural for me to protect Kaia, to take care of her and to just act instinctively as if she's another one of my babies.

Kandi: It's how we make out as women.

Star: Right.

We may see a lot more families like Kandi and Star's in the future. Single moms teaming up is a brushfire trend that is fuelled by this website: CoAbode.org links single and divorced moms.

Founder, Carmel Sullivan: You ask any single mom and they will tell you that they survive with a network of other single moms, for car pooling, for babysitting, for all of these things. They create a network and that's how they're able to support one another.

It's all part of the changing shape of the American family. Most first babies are born to single moms. Traditional families have become a minority and 65% of today's kids will spend part of their formative years in a single parent home.

These moms and their kids at a Washington D.C. picnic are looking to share life's harsher realities.

Danielle McWilliams: I love being with my son. I cherish the time and I'm grateful every single day, but there are definitely times when I wish that I could work out in the morning and go to the gym which I can't do because he can't be left alone.

For some, the biggest appeal is financial. For others, it's companionship. Seattle figure skater Lisa Clinton and her baby Nicholas are also looking for a single mom to share with. She thinks she's found one.

Marketing director Lori Zaitz and daughter Faith live in Los Angeles. So far she and Lisa have swapped phone calls and e-mails. Today, they'll meet for the first time. It's easy to imagine these moms together. Within minutes they and their children are getting along like long lost sisters.

Lori Zaitz: I would highly recommend exploring co-sharing or co-aboding even if it didn't come to fruition in a roommate situation, you still get to meet some wonderful women and make some long lasting relationships and it's a really great way to share your story.

But the CoAbode trend may have hidden hazards.

Children who have already endured the trauma of divorce may bond with new children only to experience another break-up down the road.

Child Psychiatrist, Dr. Henry Paul: You see the child has already been traumatized due to what went on before the divorce and especially with the divorce. Then, if this is a short term placement in a new home where new bonds are made there could be re-traumatization when there is an abrupt separation after several months of living together in such a home.

But few children know as much about the CoAbode trend as Star Oakland's children. They have lived in several households and they are mature, articulate and self assured.

Women also told us that having a friend in the house to watch the kids makes it easier to go out on dates.

ABC News - Single Moms Go It Together

By

ABC San Francisco, Oakland, San Jose

Go almost anywhere and chances are you will see one a single mother raising a family. The number of mothers heading households grew by 25-percent in the 90s to nearly 13 million. But single doesnt have to mean alone.
July 30 - Jenny Shore and Allie Frank are two single moms whove formed a unique partnership. They live together, with their 3-and-a-half-year-old sons, sharing a duplex and much more.

Jenny Shore, single mom: "It works on so many levels, it works because we borrow food from each other, or we shop for each other, We do errands for each other, or we watch them, or we get to talk." Two years ago, Allies husband died after routine surgery. Her son Erez was just a toddler.Allison Frank, widow: "The impact of being a single mother, the responsibility, the long term, the short term, the daily life, just everything was just way out of control overwhelming for me." So she called her friend Jenny, whod had a baby on her own.

Jenny: "I went into this knowing I was going to be doing it by myself but that didnt make it any easier, I dont have family in the area either, and I was finding it really, really hard to find the help and the sense of community." But theyve both found it now - the four of them have lived together for a year. Jenny: "They consider us a family, Adrian talks about, Yeah, were going to do this as a family, and we all do something (and they love it)."That sense of family is something many single moms are searching for, and now theres a place they can go online to find it.

Its called CoAbode.org.

Single mother Carmel Sullivan created the site...

Carmel Sullivan, CoAbode.org founder: "We have an advice page on how to do it, and how to do it safely, we do not recommend somebody just meet somebody and move in."

Audrey Ellis has used CoAbode.org for more than a year, first as resource for finding other single moms in her neighborhood for support and friendship, and later as a roommate referral service. Shes found pooling resources has great rewards - both financially and emotionally. Audrey Ellis, single mom: "So theres a friendship aspect to it thats really important because I think a lot of single moms struggle alone when they could be sharing with someone else."

Allie and Jenny know thats true, "You dont realize how exhausted you are and how good it can be, and how good for them."